Girls are evil -or- I’m friends with the monster under my bed (gaz, taster of pork?)

My girls teamed up last night to become the most evil thing on the planet. Successfully destroying all things good that involve sleep.  I don’t care if anyone thinks it is gross but my puppies totally sleep in the bed with me. I have found this has been the best way to house break them. With a human right there, there is no way they would dare to mess in the bed. If the urge is strong enough they can’t hold it then they make some noise and you take them outside. Bam! House broken puppy! It also helps with bonding. In nature they would sleep in a group, cuddle when they are cold, flop around when lonely. The biggest reason is they are just so fricken cute!!!!!! It’s almost impossible to tell a normal puppy “no” Now make it a teeny tiny little thing with big bat ears, enormous cartoony eyes, and the saddest wrinkly face. It breaks my heart to even think of making either of them sleep alone. They keep me from sleeping alone when my husband is on night shifts. The warmth and pressure on my back helps keep me from having pain through the day. They have taught me to sleep on my bed. I could keep going forever on why they will always sleep with me.

Until last night. I’m pretty sure I could bear to sleep alone after the wake up I got. I woke up at 430 in shear panic! I have a history of very graphic nightmares so maybe it had something to do with those. There is no way a demon just called my name. I try to rationalize with my half asleep brain so I can figure out if the safest bet is to go back to sleep or stay awake. There it is again! I wasn’t back to sleep yet so I had to have heard it in the awake world. I’m totally frozen in place, terrified to move. I need to figure out where the voice is coming from. I slowly pull my legs up to my chest in a tight ball. I can feel my pulse in my throat. I’m not crazy I swear!!!

*deep whispering demonic growl*

“moooooommmmmmmmmmy”

Holy crud bunnies I’m going to die!!!! I’m wide awake. This isn’t a dream. This isn’t a hallucination. This is really happening. I don’t even know what I could do about a demon from my bed. All the salt and garlic is in the kitchen.

*deep demonic whispering growl*

“moooommmmeeeeeeeee”

WHAT THE ACTUAL FLUFF DO I DO?!?! All silver is in the jewelry box. Do demons even respond to silver? Should I try talking to it? It can’t be my brother because he would never call me “mommy”. All of my babies died too young to be able to talk, so it can’t be mine. How do you reason with someone else’s demon baby? I don’t know what it wants. I sucked at charades with my own children.

*deep demonic growl again*

“moooommm” *snort* “mmmeeeeeeeyy”

Wait a minute?! The voice kept going while the snort happened…..and it sounded like it was from the same direction but different places……the voice sounded…..lower….and sweeter. MOTHER TRUCKER!!!!!!!!!! I forgot that Gazmonster slept on the floor in my room last night. (she likes to do this when Travis is working) She normally isn’t my child to talk in her sleep but it does run in the family……here is goes again……… the sweet little whisper perfectly timed with Allee’s 70-year-old-smoker snore! You evil little brats!!!!! The puppy hasn’t snored since she had surgery on her throat a month ago. Which, of course, means my daughter has to start talking in her sleep TONIGHT!  Of course!!!! Maybe she was trying to tell me that the Mini Pig is sick, or not breathing well. Thanks buttface, but I think I would rather find out for myself next time!

At least I passed my 5am stress test.

Biggie Piggie did his best to make me feel better when I did get out of bed. I asked him if it was time to get up and go potty and his response was to roll around and bury himself in the covers where I had just been laying. He stopped with the covers over his head and only big eyes looking out from my no longer empty pillow.

He’s my favorite.

I’m not ashamed to admit that. I’m his favorite person.