i wish i knew what makes some days worse than others. i wish i knew what triggers all the memories to come crashing in uninvited like a violent wave. one minute you are back to the water without a care in the world, the next you are smashed forward by an impossible weight and then sucked backwards swirling into that water you had just thought was beautiful. you can see the light flashing above you only inches away but completely out of reach. on a normal day you would only be in waist deep, one sure step from being completely fine. instead everything is spinning out of control, holding you under to drown because your feet cant find stable footing and your head cant find which way is up. if i knew what made the sudden waves form maybe i could stop them. or at the very least know which days to avoid the water.
some days i feel happy. i feel blessed to have so many people that love me. i feel grateful to have a husband that will take me even at my worst. i feel lucky to have a job with such supportive coworkers, most of which i consider friends. i feel content to lay on the couch with my puppies around me.
some days i hate faking being happy. i swear not everyday is faking. a good portion of my time i feel truly and completely blessed.
some days i feel every ounce of pain my life has held. some days i remember every one of my babies that never got to a chance to grow in this world. some days i see the faces of all the people that were taken to soon. some days i feel like the worst mother. some days i hate having coworkers that are two faced and i have to watch talk crap about my other coworkers and obviously myself when i’m not around. some days i see the the scars on my skin and remember all the hurt that seemed like that line was a better option than remaining here. some days i feel the sting of every slap. some days it hurts to open my eyes because the sunlight is a reminder of days you will never see. some days laughing makes me cry because how could i be so selfish when you will never smile again. some days i feel guilty for being happy.
some days i don’t want any part of this world. i don’t want to get out of bed. i don’t want to sleep because i’m tired of the nightmares. i don’t want to wake because i’m sick of the reality. i don’t want my kids to look at me and wonder if mommy is “ok” today.
some days i feel nothing. these are probably the worst. the days where i have to worry why i dont feel and what will be the next thing to make me feel again….
some days i want to do everything possible to make the world better. i want to tell people to quit complaining about growing old. not everyone gets to experience that. some days my glass isn’t half empty or half full. its just sitting on a table watching the world argue about it but powerless to even help itself.
Somedays I am that water. The rushing waves crashing into the shore and ripping people away from their comfort. The weight holding loved ones down no matter how much I know it hurts them to carry me. Somedays I am the water in the cup that everyone feels the need to argue about. Not full enough for some but too much for others. Somedays I’m tired of being both and just wish an earthquake would come and knock me over to the floor so there would be no way to tell if I was a burden or a shortage. Then I could flow away, to either absorb or evaporate, becoming a small thing unnoticed in the universe.
Somedays I wish I could see the water with rose colored glasses again. Somedays I wish we all could watch the sunset on the ocean again with total ignorance to the reality of what that beauty really holds. Somedays I want that innocent bliss again… somedays I want to trust the water; in the ocean, in the glass, on my face, inside me…..