That’s one way to get a free beer…

With all the recent “bathroom” dilemma, I feel I should let my opinion be known. I Identify as “Wanting Short Lines”. I don’t care which stick figure is on the sign. I am going in the restroom that doesn’t have a 3 mile line full of drunk crying chicks. Especially in a crowded casino. Especially on a holiday weekend. Especially when the guys look far more sober. Especially when the girl 3rd from the end just threw up on her own glasses out front. Yeeeeaaaaah……..that so isn’t the line for me……. plus I’m wears pants and so is the stick person over here!!! It’s a sign I should be here (haha get it?!)

The guys usually seem to be okay with it as well. I have only embarrassed a few over the years. It was way easier to explain when my son was young and I could just claim I was helping him. He was only 4 and we were halfway across South Dakota. (Anyone who has done this drive knows the struggle) The last restroom for the next 3 hours had 9 women waiting outside of the door. After 5 minutes only 1 gal had come out and in went a mom with 2 toddlers and an infant in a carrier. At the same time 2 men had walked in and walked back out of that restroom. Screw this, I’m going in. Since there was an available sitter I took that. No need to make it more weird than I had to. I heard someone come in but I had the door latched. When I finished and went to wash by hands, there is my teenage brother in law absolutely horrified!

Him “Did I go into the wrong bathroom?!”

Me “I would assume no since you are standing at a urinal. I didn’t want to wait an hour for the ladies room”

When I walked past the 7 women still waiting in line I had my head up a little higher. A few looked disgusted, a few looked envious. I was relieved so I didn’t care what they thought.

Now that my son older it’s way more fun to explain! I have a whole list I could go through. Depending and the location and age of guests in the porcelain room, my answers can go anywhere from simple to fun to crazy. I’m a big fan of “I have just at much rights in here since I don’t have a uterus” then I give high fives to anyone willing because we both don’t have periods. If the guys are creeping I use “it’s a habit since I used to be a dude. I’m still healing from surgery” it keeps them from following me into the stall.

This last St. Patrick’s Day I just used “Everyone’s Irish on St Patrick’s Day, so all the bathrooms are fair game”. This group was way more talkative than normal. I got a few smirks asking what I was going to do if the urinal was what came open next. I guess I will have to figure it out when I get there. (I already knew I was going to use the urinal, I don’t use sitters on drinking holidays, too much vomit to avoid.) The look of shock when I walked straight up and unzipped was totally worth it. I swear these guys had never seen a girl use a urinal before. Do they live under a rock? I happened to have tissues in my pocket so I didn’t even have to do “The Shake” (This is the true reason women know how to twerk.) The old cowboy poked his head out from the stall before walking out. He wanted to know if the “lady” was still in there. He was waaaaay more embarrassed than I was. He turned really red when he saw me standing there still using it. I know the standard rule is don’t use the one right next to someone else but it seems like a waste that they left the one next to me open the whole time I was there. Especially with a line going on.

I spent the rest of the evening getting random guys asking me if I was the girl from the men’s room. They were totally buying me beers! I got to avoid the whole “wanna dance? Can I get your number?” Maybe I have better aim…..Their girlfriend won’t even pee next to the truck on a country road! My buddy said you did it standing up, there is no way that is true! Or girls asking how I could physically do it. Oh honey, you just have to be willing to practice. (I really hope they hover in public restrooms, I can’t even imagine what is all over those seats…gag!)

I have agreed that I would not use the men’s room while my son is in there since it does causes questions he feels uncomfortable explaining. Luckily he doesn’t get embarrassed easily. He doesn’t want to hear the locker room comments about his mom now that he is almost 18 and we look nothing alike.


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