My day job is a medical assistant in a doctor’s office. At night I play piano in a whore house. Well, I bartend at a titty bar so it’s very comparable. Except I don’t get to pick the music and my job is to make sure the customers don’t try to sleep with the dancers. I feel like I should explain this so that people understand that not every weird conversation is at the place you saw me working most recently. But either way, you can picture these conversations in any establishment of your choosing.
Monkey knuckle butt wiping – For some reason talking about this made the morning go really fast. One of the girls got her nails done for the first time in a while. She said her mom always criticizes her long nails, not matter how short she gets them. And always askes the same question that any girl with long nails cringes at “how do you wipe your butt with those?!” Really?! This is the question you ask?! Its like boring nailed people have the most horrific ideas on good hygiene. HOPEFULLY we wipe the same way as you. We grab waaay too much toilet tissue, then wad up/fold it to the desired size and then hold it with the fingertips or nail tips (depending on length) and get the job done. Repeat as many times it deems necessary. Dispose of said tissues and then wash our damn hands. How the hell do you wipe your ass Karen?! Is there a whole group of people that wad one square of paper in their palm and drag their hand through the backdoor mud pudding like a gorilla knuckle walking? Do they use their finger nails to scratch the itchy stuff out of the hard to reach places? Or maybe its more like a cat using the scratching post? Any way you look at it, I would assume a decent human being knows how to wipe their our butt WITHOUT making direct contact with feces. But I guess with the world wide toilet paper shortage I shouldn’t assume that “normal” people know the correct way to wipe. If anything, the nails make it cleaner. I can say with 1 ½ inch certainty that my fingers will not be coming into direct contact with poo today.
“don’t worry about today” – My boss has a bad habit of speaking in half sentences and staring creepily expecting you to already know what she was thinking about. Today she did it to a patient. She walked up behind me, informed the patient not to worry about today and then just stared expectantly. The poor person looked like that kid that was talking in the back of math class and didn’t hear the question that was asked by the teacher. After looking at me in confused panic I informed the patient not to worry about going back to work today, just go in for the next scheduled shift. And sorry about the confusion, my boss just does that all day long and we are used to it around here. Have a great day! Why, yes, we did proceed to make fun of her until she left the room. And for a little bit after that too.
Weird pauses – my coworker “this weekend I decided I needed to get rid of a bunch of old hair…………….. products that I don’t use anymore”. I had to stop her right there and point out that she reeeeaaallly needs to work on her uncomfortable breaks in conversations. This one was right up there with “drinking turns me into a horr………….able person”. She tried saying that she put the pause in on purpose of comedic effect. But I shot that down too, since she started doing it more often after I told her that “soooooooo” is not a sentence nor a punctuation mark. She had to admit I had a point.
I just want 2 fingers – same girl. She was explaining that she really wanted to grow out her side shave. Not that she wanted to get rid of the side shave, she just wanted it to take up less of her head. She totally figured summer would be the best time to grow out the fuzz. I pointed out the hottest and sweatiest time of the year is exactly when she would have her fuzz at the most annoying and unmanageable length. She scoffed and retorted with “my hair isn’t slow like yours” wow. I’ve never had someone call my hair retarded before. My hair is quite smart, thank you very much. She apologized for insulting the intelligence of my fabulous red hair. Then as a customer walked up she held up to dramatic fingers in the “I’m about to check your cervix” motion and blurted out “I just want 2 fingers!” I stared at her unblinking. I was trying my hardest not to laugh or make any obscene comments in front of a patient. After a few seconds she realized why I wasn’t saying anything and moved her 2 fingers to the side of her head. And then to the other side as well so it wouldn’t look like she was fingering her ear. “Are you planning to use gel?”
“I made some dumbass appointment” – this is exactly how a patient started a conversation when the front desk gal opened the window. Thankfully they weren’t offended when I doubled over laughing. Even more of a blessing was the fact the referrals gal knew they were talking about Diabetes Education and was able to give him directions to the right building
Not turning in aliens for probing when you enjoy it – Have you ever notice it is never a gay man that is on tv talking about being abducted by aliens? Do they purposely avoid gay men? Are gay men afraid to report it, assuming the media will blame the victim? Maybe one got abducted and begged for an anal probe so much that it made the aliens uncomfortable and now they will never do that again. Maybe those guys are still on the party ship having the time of their lives. They might be refusing to go home. Is there an underground group of people that are really into buttstuff so they take turns secretly waiting in a cornfield on the 3rd Wednesday of the month? Are all these TV abductees from aliens that are new to the scene and went to the wrong cornfield? I bet that alien will never ask for directions again.
Viruses should be named after serial killers instead of foods or things we enjoy. Instead of Corona and Lyme it should be Bundy and Dahmer! And the next new std should be called The Bobbit!
Being overly nice to rude people – I am so happy to reject you, have an awesome day!