Sooo I have this “friend”. To make things simple we will call her Madysin. Madysin is hilarious, probably even funnier than I am! I met her when I was fresh out of high school. She was working her way through college as a very classy “Pole-fissional” at a Gentleman’s Club (Who am I kidding?! This is Wyoming! She was a dancer in a titty bar!!!!) This girl was awesome! She did everything she could to not become another cliché. She always worked sober, didn’t date customers, and she was actually going to college not just using it as a line. She was crazy honest and sarcastic so people were floored by her. And the best part is I got to hear all of her funny secrets! She was very discrete and careful not to give enough details to ever let you figure out who the stories were about but oh man did she share what she could!
One of her best stories was from a Bachelor Party that happened over the weekend. She loved how “real” dancers could be even though they try to put on an illusion of perfection. They still get sick, they still burp, they still……..pass gas. This night it was her turn to be human. Something she had eaten earlier was not agreeing with her tummy very well. She was getting a little bloated so she put a corset on to hold the tummy in. BOOM! Next problem! Hahahaha someone forgot how physics works. Energy doesn’t just go away. It has to be transferred somewhere. Let’s also add that the human body can reabsorb a lot of things, but that process takes a long time. Generally speaking, if you have stomach issues that are at the point of causing discomfort, the quickest solution is to allow it to “pass”
Buuuut, being only part human she still had an illusion to keep up. She couldn’t go hide in the bathroom for a few hours because this is one of the few professions that is it extremely obvious when you have a toilet seat ring stamped to your butt. It sticks out like a bright red baboon bum….literally. If your legs go to sleep you will fall on your face. No girl wants to be the chic running out of the privy with paper trailing her 6-inch stiletto when she gets called on stage. Once on stage, there is only so much spinning and pole tricks you can do to keep everything “aired out”. It is a handy little secret though. (If you ever go to a club and see a girl spinning upside-down in the splits for like…..ever, know that she is in need of gas-x and is really doing this for your sake. You’re welcome.)
She was about half way to paying for her oldest kids Bachelor’s Degree (haha get it?!) and was running out of sneaky tricks but luckily the pressure was starting to go down as well. The universe being the a-hole that it is decided that all the guys from this party should get the idea that the groom needed some private attention. Like, right now. Greeeaaatttt…… fake-smile-queen-wave-it-would-be-my-pleasure-I-would-love-nothing-more-right-now-at-this-very-second-be-still-my-heart———-
You don’t have to be a scientist to know that this “Right of Passage” for the soon-to-be husband is more personal than a stage show. It’s up close; bloated bellies touching, stomach noises near your ear, cheeks in the face, crazy contortionist movements; and has to be totally mind blowing. This guy got the dance he would never forget. She was most of the way through it and the stomach pain was back like Terminator 2. She moved to a position where she had her back to him and her tummy could relax a little bit. Big mistake! Relax her stomach did! It let out the kind of pressure that only guys that have had to hold in a fart for the ENTIRE first date would understand… The kind of pressure that in no way could sound feminine or dainty…. The kind of pressure that could be heard over the bass of a nightclub stereo….. The kind of pressure they use for the sound effects in the next Jurassic Park…… The kind of pressure that gets picked up on the Richter Scale……. The kind of pressure that would be shown as a pan out of the Earth with a mushroom cloud if this was a movie……… the kind of pressure the even makes a drunk guy startle and gasp “OH MY GOD!!!!”
Luckily, so did she……….
Thinking on her feet she kept her sentence going beyond the “praise to the Lord”.
“OH MY GOD!!!! I CANT BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT! THAT IS SO RUDE!”
It took the guy a few seconds to come out of his daze and realize he was getting blamed for Jurassic Fart.
“NO WAY, THAT WAS SO YOU!”
“You are a horrible person! I can’t believe you are trying to blame that on me! There is no way possible that was me! My face was right there and everything Dude!!!!”
At this point you can hear his whole group of friends burst into hysterical laugher. Slapping the table and banging glasses kind of laughter.
“That was sooo you!”
“Sorry bud, there is no way anyone in this place would ever believe that was me. That was a man fart.”
She smiled evilly, kissed him on the cheek, and sent him back out to his friends with a slap on the butt
“Good Game Tiger! Congrats on the wedding!”
As he got to the table all of his buddies started heckling him. He denied it adamantly but they kept telling him they heard the whole thing. She smiled to herself knowing she was right; no one in the bar would ever believe it was her.
That’s one way to make a Bachelor Party unforgettable!
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