The Hoo-Haa Hula

I’m a finalist in the local bike rally poster model contest. That’s a mouthful! (or not because I’m trying to win it the honest way ;D) Being a natural redhead I’m having to put in some extra work to stay in the running. The biggest one is that my skin, much like all the other soulless gingers, runs somewhere between porcelain and alabaster and has so many freckles it would make a cheetah jealous. I LITERALLY glow under black lights. The words of the Great Nail Tech Kimber “it ain’t cottage cheese if it ain’t white!” rang through my head as I analyzed the 3 baby saddle bags I was sporting in a bikini. Spray tan it is!!!

We have a gal in town that is amazing. She can make a stunt double from “Powder” look sunkissed. She sprays a bunch of the local body builders so they don’t look like Arnold had a love child with an Oompa-Loompa. She totally made me look like I belonged in the pictures for my beach wedding last June. (She is a miracle worker! There might be black magic involved) I rushed down to schedule an appointment for a few days before the finals. It is actually a few day process if you want it to look natural.

I went in on my lunch to get a quick bed tan in so it had time to set before getting sprayed after work. Of course she happened to have a cancelation right then and talked me into just getting sprayed over my lunch hour. Luckily, I was already dressed for the process since my plan was for after work. This just means my dress was loose and that my bra/underwear were pretty much worthless for anything other than keeping skin from touching. The biggest thing I had to worry about is the fact I use a yoga ball for a chair at work. They aren’t very forgiving when it comes to “swamp ass” since they is no air flow through plastic. Sweating is one of the biggest things that will ruin a spray. She reassured me that I could just lean back or stand for the rest of the day and it would be fine *insert reassuring hand wave that sales people are famous for*

Her timing was perfect. I rushed back to work with a few minutes to spare. Now for the fun part. Not sweating. This is way harder than you would imagine. My desk isn’t designed for standing while working. Thus the yoga ball. This is right up there with “my crush for the last 10 years is finally making out with me” on levels of hyper focused on the amount of crotch sweat happening. Aaaaand I work in a doctor’s office. It’s not like a can strip down and hide for a little while. I’m having to come up with very creative ways to air out ”the goods”. I did a series of yoga poses to the fax machine and back. I practiced twerking at the filing cabinet. I fanned out my dress like a little girl. I did the Kilt swing standing at my desk. I walked like a sumo wrestler down the hall. All this time watching like a meerkat to make sure a patient or a doctor doesn’t walk up while I’m fanning. That would be my luck.

Of course I want to apologize to my coworkers. They are having to deal with my weirdness. I haven’t figured the correct way to say “sorry about the smell” as I’m wafting out my downstairs. (spray tan has a very distinct odor, my lady garden would smell fine normally) Even I can’t say that with a straight face! But I did have to share that thought with the office. They are just as demented as I am.

I’ll be standing here doing the Hoo-Haa Hula, hoping I don’t yoga ball a toilet seat ring on my back side that will last for the duration of the tan! Nothing like strutting in high heels and a bikini looking like you just got done with a number 2.

First World Problems right here…..


Allee Sioux, the Destroyer of Sleep, strikes again!

She peed… on my stomach…..not even kidding right now……..

This poor girl has had a rough lot in life. After the issues we had with my boy coming from a dishonest breeder, we did a lot of research before deciding on her. We have been in love ever since! She is happy! She is spunky! She is down-right adorable! She is the loser of the genetic lottery! She walks like Igor! (Probably because she has a hunch back.) She makes me giggle and think of the movie “Meet the Robinsons” I have a big head and little arms and I don’t think this plan was well thought out. Master?

We noticed as the snow melted that she kept falling over any time she would try to run. (If anyone knows a way to keep a hyper puppy from running please let me know!) We took her to the local vet and they said it was waaaaay above their pay grade. Here we go, off to CSU again! This trip was not nearly as pleasant as the last time she tried to die in their care. The first trip they answered all of our questions, they texted me pictures through-out the day so I could check in, they made us feel at ease leaving our fragile puppy in the hands of a team of specialists. This time……..not so much. I won’t go into a bunch of details but we will sum it up to: I chewed out a neurosurgeon, and told her the only reason I think she works with animals is because she wants a doctor’s paycheck but needs a field that doesn’t care if your patients die. (Have I mentioned before I have no filter???)

Poor Travis was stuck in the car in a blizzard by himself driving back from Fort Collins with 3 kids, 2 bulldogs, and no idea that the procedures almost killed her so she was hanging on a thread. He was a little stressed so I took over on puppy duty once they walked in the door. Poor little girl looked like a reject from an animal testing lab. She couldn’t walk, half her totally body was shaved in random patches, her eyes were red, her mouth was blue, her breathing sounded like a velociraptor, oh did she stink! And because the doctor was a dickweed we didn’t get discharge instructions to know the fun side effects of her meds…..

So everyone knows, Dogs respond to most medications the same way humans do. Prednisone makes them bitchy (haha get it!) and it also makes them very thirsty. Which we all (now) know makes them pee A LOT (duh). I was so worried my little French Dinosaur wasn’t going to make it through the night that I had her in bed with me. That way I would be there if she needed anything. I don’t know if I was sleeping so hard that she couldn’t wake me up or if she had to go so bad she couldn’t hold it. All I know is she was on my chest, she licked my chin once (that I remember) and then slammed her sweet little paw on my face. I didn’t have time to finish asking her if she needed to go ouuuuuttttssi…..because she was whimpering on my completely soaked chest!

That poor little girl was obviously terrified when I started screaming and jumping out of bed to get her outside. I ran down the stairs in a very awkward combination of trying to cuddle and comfort her while not pressing the urine into my skin or her fur. I have no idea how I didn’t trip down the stairs and kill us both. I got her safely to the grass and was baby talking and petting her to let her know she wasn’t in trouble and it’s ok to go now. She sunk her big little head down and gave the saddest puppy eyes ever witnessed by man. She made Puss in Boots look like an amateur! Every ounce of her, down to the flopped back Dobby ears, said “I’m really sorry but I’m already empty. Do you still love me?” Of course I do! Let’s go strip the bed down babe. This time we will throw some beach towels down too.

I have heard jokes forever that they need to make an alarm that sounds like a dog/cat about to puke because nothing wakes you up faster. WRONG! If the dog is hacking that means I can sleep in later because the other one now has breakfast in bed. But if that little pup comes within an inch of my face I am halfway out the door before I even realize I’m moving. No more golden showers for me! The neighbor have probably gotten a few free shows on the warmer night. Maybe that’s why the one set is moving…..

Disclaimer: I don’t let my dogs puke on the bed, and I don’t let them eat it either. It’s a joke. Don’t be so pretentious.

You can’t find love in the freezer section (of Wal-Mart).

Between my son and my god-daughter, the teenagers keep my weekend nights busy. They both have learner’s permits but not full licenses yet. That means I get to be taxi to and from both jobs. I’m not complaining. It gives me one-on-one talk time with them to catch up on the week. (let’s me be honest it makes me feel like I’m still cool and needed)

I had just picked up Bree from her job and had about a half hour to kill before picking up Dru. Ice cream run it is! Normally 9pm on a Friday is a pretty safe time to venture through Wal-mart. The creepy dudes are already at the bar and the drunken freaks don’t come out until midnight. I should be just fine to rock this in jammies.

At least that’s what I thought until I reached the frozen food section. If this was a movie I would’ve had the quiet piano melody to warn me not to turn around when some random dude started complementing my hair. He seemed harmless and friendly so I was the same back. He was smooth. In all the simply questions “What do you do? Are you from around here? What’s your sign?” He casually snuck in the “what does your boyfriend do?” I was totally honest. I told him without hesitation that I’m married and he is a mechanic. I swear to god this guy then made the calculating face that all the piranhas at the bar make. The one that tells you right away the chick is married and trying to figure out if you work with her husband before proceeding. He then asked which mine my husband works at. I was honest about that as well. Yep, total piranha face again. He tells me that he works for a different mine.  It happens to be one that can come to my office so I give him the sales pitch, bid him goodnight and turned around quickly like I just remembered to tell the teenager something important we forgot to grab. I don’t trust piranhas…..

It’s pretty bad when the teenager that is just as socially awkward and clueless asks if that guy was just trying to flirt. Glad it wasn’t just me that picked up on that. Luckily I stuck him down right away with the “I’m married”  or so I thought…… a few minutes later this guy comes walking up to us again!

“Is it true what they say about Coalminer wives?”

“And what is that?”

“That they have a lot of fun while their husbands are on night shifts?”

You have got to be kidding me right now

“Oh yeah, totally true! They say you don’t lose your wife, you lose your turn. That’s why you make sure you never leave her unsatisfied before you leave for nights. Make sure she is taken care of and you don’t have to worry about her straying. Remember that when you get a girlfriend”

“I’m going to be at Boothill later if you what to come out”

“You have fun with that. Goodnight!”

We are both booking it in the opposite direction now, completely disgusted that a guy would have the balls to ask a question like that. Bree is completely floored that I haven’t hit this guy yet. We have a short conversation about staying professional at all times and about how you need to not bring yourself down to other people’s levels. Always have respect for yourself. It was short conversation because now this guy is in the make-up section right next to us! I pretended to not hear him try to talk to me again and was on a mission to the back of the store. I made Bree promise to tell Travis this story because there is no way he is going to believe me!

Okay, we are taking the long way around to self check-out. Bree is on watch duty. We just need to get out of here and make it home to enjoy our ice cream. Scanned. Paid. Bagged. Go! HOLY MOTHER FLIPPING CRUD BUNNIES HE IS IN FRONT OF US AGAIN!!!!!

“so, do I have a chance of seeing you at boothill tonight?”

“NO! I’m married and I’m faithful! GO AWAY!”

I should’ve taken Bree up on the offer of a million points if I ran him over in the parking lot. He managed to place himself directly in front of the car.

Put that thing back where it came from or so help me!!!

It’s no secret that I am Biggie Piggie’s favorite person. He’s my favorite puppy. I have never loved a dog before him. I’ve liked a few and tolerated most but I love him like he is one of my own children. That big bully-dog smile of his just melts my heart. I look forward to coming home and playing with him or just lying on the couch and cuddling.

The last few months poor Biggie has been put on the back burner. Between arrangements for my brother, my house being under construction, the other puppy having major health issues; he has not gotten the attention he deserves. I started noticing a few weeks ago he wouldn’t cuddle with me anymore, then he started shying away from me the same way he does everybody else, he got into a “food fight” with my best friends dog, aaaaaand he started marking the house. Okay time to step up and be a good dog mommy again. He shouldn’t have to cause problems to get my attention.

I started setting aside one-on-one play time with just him each evening again. We are burning off energy and my sweet loveable pup is coming back. I hadn’t noticed this until the other morning (my husband says he does it a lot) that he copies my movements. If I sit on the floor so does he. If I lay down he watches me and lays in the same position. If I move towards him, he will sploot-scoot towards me. That just makes me all giggly now, I love it! He had sat down to look at me in his prissy little cross legged way Frenchie way. I slid onto my belly to give him pets and he flowed to a perfect downward facing dog and into cobra pose, completely in sync with me. I sat down in front of him and asked him to come here. Instead he moved his legs out to each side so they looked just like mine. I laughed and wiggled my feet on the floor and asked him to come again. He stared at me dead in the eye and wiggled both his back feet. I laughed, he smiled. I asked if he wanted belly rubs. BAM!!! Perky ears and an instant red rocket! OH MY GOODNESS!!!!

“You put that away mister!”

He startled and looked down all ashamed. He sucked in his tummy really trying.

“I’m serious! No belly rubs while you have that hanging out!”

He kept his head down and franticly starts swallowing and sucking his tummy in repeatedly making a little success. At about half mast he looked up quizzically.

“No way buddy. Not happening. Put it completely away or no belly rubs. I mean it”

He looks down again and tries sucking in his stomach more. The problem now is he is lifting off the ground and dropping back down. The rubbing on the carpet is being counter-productive. At this point Travis is almost falling off the couch laughing!

Travis: “You can beat in on the ground all you want boy but it’s not going to help your situation!”

Poor Biggie just sat there looking crushed as his dream of belly rubs on a Saturday morning was slowly fading away. He even had little tears running down his cheeks. Travis then was all sympathetic.

“It’s okay bud, she tells me the same thing in the mornings too. Mom is just mean”

Sooo not funny. Apparently the heartbreak worked and he was now able to compose himself. I’m still laughing and tried to scratch him but he shied away like I had just told him “we can still be friends” I followed him around the living room like he was a baby duck.

Me: “Just let me love you!”

Travis: “He tried to love you, you wouldn’t let him”

*Insert evil glare at both boys*

He did finally forgive me later in the morning but it took some bribery with ham. I didn’t realize males of ALL species got their feeling hurt when you giggle at their pecker……

PS we really do call him Biggie Piggie. then we sing the “you can be a big pig too!” song from Timon and Pumba in lion king. He loves it!20180411_181858.jpg

Yep, I am a crazy mom

It has been my week to fight for my kids. A little bit of me is glad that I shelter them from how crazy their mother can be. Another part of me wishes I had it in me to let them watch me unload on someone, that way they would never question how hard I am willing to fight for them. Any momma bear knows exactly what I’m talking about. I thought I had handled the issue with my son quite well but maybe I still had a little bit of it built up. It’s very possible she was overreacting when I was evicted from her office. It could be she just had a strong sense of self preservation and knew she crossed the line with a redhead. Let me break it down.

The School Nurse at my girls elementary school is a totally power freak. We have had issues for years with this gal. I love everything else about this school and have heard the same from many parents. She will get on a kick of sending every kid home for nothing and then follow it with a spell of refusing to let anyone know their kid was in her office. That is frustrating enough on its own but she HATES being questioned. She once told my step-daughter that her dad is an a**$#!@ (This isn’t heresy, she thought she had hung up the phone but missed the receiver. We heard her say it.) She was sending a 9 year old home for being flushed after recess. We weren’t arguing weather or not we would come to get her. We just wanted to know if the symptoms were bad enough that we needed to speed. Instead of telling us symptoms we got a lecture about her degree and a phone slam.

I have snuck over the counter meds in both my girls backs packs because I have been told many times that the nurse won’t give them unless she has a doctor’s note. Sorry chick, I’m not paying $100 (per child) for an office visit to get a note saying my kid can have cough drops for a cold. This time I didn’t feel right sneaking meds in. My youngest had come home from a friend’s house feeling terrible. Body aches and stomach ache but no fever, no GI issues.  I gave her some Tylenol and ibuprofen and had her take a warm bath. 45 minutes she was way better. The next morning she felt crappy again but we had just passed a stomach bug around the house. All of us had a few days of upset stomach followed by a few days of explosive vomiting. I wasn’t going to keep her home the first few days and burn her sick time if it wasn’t going to be eventful. I told her to go to the nurse if she felt bad again and I would call and tell her it was okay to get over the count meds. I wanted her checking in with someone in case it got bad sooner for her.

What a joke. I never got a call from my daughter. Her dad did but not me. I called to check in when I heard from him instead of her. Big surprise, she wouldn’t give her anything over the counter, wouldn’t let me talk to her and informed me that my daughter needed counseling. “kids don’t cry from stomach aches, she has something emotional going on” I think I know my kid better than a nurse that only sees her a few minutes a year. So I made a trip to the school.

I won’t go into all the details but I will tell you it was ugly. I had my daughter come to the office so I could check on her. She said her skin hurt; and her tummy and her head but wasn’t running a fever. I gave her a few otc’s right there in the hallway, gave her a kiss and asked if she could tough it out until after school. She said she could so I sent her back to class.  I then asked to talk to school nurse. Big surprise here too, instead of answering any question she pointed at the picture on the wall and told me how she graduated top of her class from the best medical school in the country with doctors and neurosurgeons and that she knows a little bit more about giving medications to a child than an MA. And if I had a license maybe I would understand that there are certain things she can’t do since she has a license to worry about. I held back the laugh but did ask if she hated her job since she was more worried about her degree than helping children. I did also remind her that if she was so worried about her license she would have gathered more information before making the decision it was an emotional issue versus physical. Blah blah, more heated debate. You can’t tell me how to do my job, Wah Wah, I’m not, I’m asking why you won’t answer my questions, BLAH BLAH BLAH I have more important things to do than call every parent over a stomach ache WAH WAH WAH really because you call my husband every time my step-daughter has a stomach ache BLAAAAAH!!! YOU JUST VIOLATED HIPAA!!!! Sorry honey, YOU just violated HIPAA. You left a whole pile of paperwork out on your desk where anyone walking in can read their protected information. You just got lucky and the top name also belonged to me so it really isn’t a breach. But all those other kids…….

She demanded to know the name of my supervisor which I gave more than willingly. I even asked if she needed the phone number. Instead she told me that my daughter didn’t need pills, she needed someone to care for her. That took balls to yell down the hall in front of an office full of witnesses. I was at the crying point of angry now.

So there I was, kicked out of the nurse’s office waiting for the principle to get a private room ready. The cute little ginger sitting next to me asked if I just yelled at the nurse. I apologized to him and told him that sometimes moms get a little upset when they are worried about their kids but I shouldn’t have argued in front of him. To which he told me, “It’s okay, my mom has yelled at her too. My sister got hit in the eye and there was blood and a bruise and the nurse didn’t even call her” I giggled a little. “I would be mad too” This kid would be perfect for those Chewy’s granola bar commercials. God he was adorable!

Things went fairly good with the principle. My daughter’s dad had just made it out of class so he met us at the school as well. (we rock at co-parenting)  We didn’t get empty promises, we didn’t get excuses. We got a heartfelt apology and that he would do his best. (Have I mentioned that I love 99% of the staff at that school.) And he reassured us that next year would be better since her contract was ending with that school.

The next day I got a very polite call from the school nurse. This time she did a VERY THOROUGH exam before calling. She doesn’t think it is an emotional issue this time since there are diminished bowel sounds on the left side. She was a little nervous when I asked to talk to my child but I wanted to make sure she hadn’t been treated the same way as the day before. I thanked the nurse for her call and got my girl an appointment that day. We made sure to get some x-rays for those “counseling issues” and now she is doing great. Just took a few more over the counter pills 😉

They is nothing quite like going a few rounds in a boxing ring to make you feel like a super parent.

And I’m not totally insane, as soon as I start telling anyone in the medical field this story they immediately interrupt me to ask “Was that Mrs (BLANK)?!” How does everyone in town know her so well??????

That’s one way to get a free beer…

With all the recent “bathroom” dilemma, I feel I should let my opinion be known. I Identify as “Wanting Short Lines”. I don’t care which stick figure is on the sign. I am going in the restroom that doesn’t have a 3 mile line full of drunk crying chicks. Especially in a crowded casino. Especially on a holiday weekend. Especially when the guys look far more sober. Especially when the girl 3rd from the end just threw up on her own glasses out front. Yeeeeaaaaah……..that so isn’t the line for me……. plus I’m wears pants and so is the stick person over here!!! It’s a sign I should be here (haha get it?!)

The guys usually seem to be okay with it as well. I have only embarrassed a few over the years. It was way easier to explain when my son was young and I could just claim I was helping him. He was only 4 and we were halfway across South Dakota. (Anyone who has done this drive knows the struggle) The last restroom for the next 3 hours had 9 women waiting outside of the door. After 5 minutes only 1 gal had come out and in went a mom with 2 toddlers and an infant in a carrier. At the same time 2 men had walked in and walked back out of that restroom. Screw this, I’m going in. Since there was an available sitter I took that. No need to make it more weird than I had to. I heard someone come in but I had the door latched. When I finished and went to wash by hands, there is my teenage brother in law absolutely horrified!

Him “Did I go into the wrong bathroom?!”

Me “I would assume no since you are standing at a urinal. I didn’t want to wait an hour for the ladies room”

When I walked past the 7 women still waiting in line I had my head up a little higher. A few looked disgusted, a few looked envious. I was relieved so I didn’t care what they thought.

Now that my son older it’s way more fun to explain! I have a whole list I could go through. Depending and the location and age of guests in the porcelain room, my answers can go anywhere from simple to fun to crazy. I’m a big fan of “I have just at much rights in here since I don’t have a uterus” then I give high fives to anyone willing because we both don’t have periods. If the guys are creeping I use “it’s a habit since I used to be a dude. I’m still healing from surgery” it keeps them from following me into the stall.

This last St. Patrick’s Day I just used “Everyone’s Irish on St Patrick’s Day, so all the bathrooms are fair game”. This group was way more talkative than normal. I got a few smirks asking what I was going to do if the urinal was what came open next. I guess I will have to figure it out when I get there. (I already knew I was going to use the urinal, I don’t use sitters on drinking holidays, too much vomit to avoid.) The look of shock when I walked straight up and unzipped was totally worth it. I swear these guys had never seen a girl use a urinal before. Do they live under a rock? I happened to have tissues in my pocket so I didn’t even have to do “The Shake” (This is the true reason women know how to twerk.) The old cowboy poked his head out from the stall before walking out. He wanted to know if the “lady” was still in there. He was waaaaay more embarrassed than I was. He turned really red when he saw me standing there still using it. I know the standard rule is don’t use the one right next to someone else but it seems like a waste that they left the one next to me open the whole time I was there. Especially with a line going on.

I spent the rest of the evening getting random guys asking me if I was the girl from the men’s room. They were totally buying me beers! I got to avoid the whole “wanna dance? Can I get your number?” Maybe I have better aim…..Their girlfriend won’t even pee next to the truck on a country road! My buddy said you did it standing up, there is no way that is true! Or girls asking how I could physically do it. Oh honey, you just have to be willing to practice. (I really hope they hover in public restrooms, I can’t even imagine what is all over those seats…gag!)

I have agreed that I would not use the men’s room while my son is in there since it does causes questions he feels uncomfortable explaining. Luckily he doesn’t get embarrassed easily. He doesn’t want to hear the locker room comments about his mom now that he is almost 18 and we look nothing alike.

I’m the reason we can’t use WebMD

ewIt is way awesome when your work is able to get rid of outdated electronics and update to the latest and greatest. Everyone that actually works with these machines day-to-day thinks an IT upgrade is a nightmare. Sometimes you are left with an eye twitch for life. This would be my case.

We had an IT specialist come to our office to help with the transition to new equipment. Everything that is supposed to go smooth never does because we are 500 miles from the nearest server and the building is full of nit-picking perfectionists that are smart enough to know when something isn’t running correctly. And we will not hesitate to complain about it. If it’s new we want it to work properly. (Heck, we even demand the old stuff works properly. It isn’t truly Thursday until someone has gone “Office Space” on the fax machine)

Poor Christopher Robbin* was not prepared for the building he walked into. Sarcasm for days, yo!! Insane amounts of un(under)medicated ADHD combined with genius level I.Q.s as far as the eye could see! Squirrel!

 “Please click that icon right there”

“The one for the angry piggie?”

“The what?”

“The scanner, duh. It looks like an angry pig, plus it eats everything we put in it”

“I cannot unsee this……wow”

“Just talk nicely to it. It likes being call King Pig. The last person that yelled at it died”


“It scanned in a paper and shot it out so fast that it went flying straight for her neck. Paper cut to the carotid artery. Bless her heart, she never had a chance.”

Christopher Robbin found excuses to be in the back office the rest of the day. I think he was afraid he would be the next sacrifice to the scanner. I’m still surprised he didn’t show up in a turtle neck the next day. Some people have no sense of self preservation. Tsk tsk.

That next day things were running fairly smooth in the front office so I figured I would take advantage of this rare moment and get some work caught up. We have pretty much full internet access since we are responsible enough to know what sites are appropriate for work. I went to WebMD so I could print out patient information sheets on antidepressants. Got the one I needed and went to go back so I could get the extended release form next. Weird, nothing happened when I hit the back space button. Tapped it a few more time. Screen goes black for a second. Great, the new computers don’t follow old school commands. Oh well. Wait… Awesome! The page is finally loading!


The picture that loaded was not WebMD……none of those 5 pictures were WebMD…….none of those 5 videos had any business being on a work computer………. SWEET FUDGE CICLES!!!!! Those videos have audio!!!!! AND IT WON’T STOP!! I am diving over the brand new high definition screen like it is a grenade! I’m trying to shield the family with small children that are coming down the hallway from this explosion! WHY WON’T IT STOP?!?!?! I found the power button on the new computer but all it did was kill the picture, the sound was still going! SCREW IT!!! I started ripping cords out of the back of the machine as fast as I could until the moaning and wet slapping finally stopped. The 2 other girls up front had turned around to stare at me unsure of what was happening. I took a deep breath and grabbed the overhead page

“Christopher Robbin to the fax seat please!”

Instead of coming to the front he called my extension.

“I’m trying to set up Denise’s computer right now can it wait?”

“No! It cannot wait! I need you to get up here and help me right now!”

He walked in a minute later and looked at my black screen and mess of wires that used to be a brand new Dell. He had a very obvious mixture of confused and pissed painted across his face.

“What happened?!”

*whisper* “there was porn on my computer”

“Don’t mess with me. What really happened?”

“There really was porn on my computer! High-def collage of videos taking up the whole screen!”

“That’s not possible…..”

“I wouldn’t make this up!”

“But there are firewalls in place that keep this from happening”

“Well, your firewall sucks more than the blonde in the upper left hand video!!”

“But… how….???”

“You figure that out. Use holy water and gloves if you need to. I have to go explain this to my boss before I get fired”

I walked to the back manager’s office to beg forgiveness. Probably the worst walk of shame in my life. They had to send out a company-wide email banning EVERYONE from going to that site until we got clearance from their security department.

At least once a week someone finds a reason to bring up WebMD. “Why are the computers acting up? Was Rya on WebMD again?” A little part of me hopes to never hear the end of the jokes.

*not his real name but it is the one we gave him because he was so sweet and innocent. For real, we gave him that name. I have no idea what his real name is but he answered to it after the first day, even on overhead pages. What a sport. But we always rename our IT guys. Its tradition.coke