It was worth a life sentence

I am pretty much addicted to memories on Facebook. Any time I start to think I’m a boring old lady I get a reminder of how much fun I’ve had in my life. Hopefully my kids still love me someday when I’m telling their children all the wild things grandma used to do. One of my really good ones came up the other day and I got a nice chuckle as I had to explain it to my newest coworker.

My bosses husband manages a golf course so she is always having to do extra stuff after work involving the green. She was signed up to tee off with some gals at the other course in town. She was commenting that it had been a long day and she really wished she didn’t have to go (nothing against the group, we are just going through computer upgrade HELL right now and everyone is going home exhausted) I had to giggle and tell her

“Just sign up under my name, then they won’t let you golf since I’m banned for life”

“I should! Are you listed under your maiden name?”

“Yeah, just say ‘hi im rya. Im supposed to be meeting some people here’ and they will ask you to leave! Problem solved!

“I wish it would work but they have gotten all new management in the last few years so I don’t think they know you have been kicked out”

“Well that sucks”

This is where the explaining came into play. My coworker was given the condensed version but I feel it needs a deeper explanation. Many years ago I was hanging out with some friends at a charity golf event. Don’t ask me what charity it was because I have no clue and I don’t think they did either. It was a great excuse to day drink dressed like oompa loompas while hot rodding golf carts. The charity part just made it guilt free. We were not wasteful people so we didn’t let that opportunity slip by. At some point during our charity drinking the guys were licking mustard off some other dudes nipple and I busted my lip open trying to catch my straw. Good times!

Even in a heavily intoxicated state I still try to remember my manners and have zero tolerance for rude people. Sitting at the table we ended up at around midnight was a really nice and funny old man, but there was also his son that was getting meaner by the drink. This young punk was snapping his fingers and making snide comments to the waitress. This poor gal had had a long day and it was late enough that only her and the bartender were left for servers.  It didn’t matter if she was helping other customers. It didn’t matter that there were people ahead of him. He was *shoutslastname* and this lazy B-word needs to learn who comes first!

That made my eye twitch….I tried to take a deep breath but right then the lady came to the table apologizing for taking so long. This arrogant prick interrupted the woman to inform her what a fat and lazy and stupid B-word she was to keep a *lastname* waiting. At this point I was coming out of my chair. My friend put a hand on my arm in an attempt to keep me calm. I sternly told the boy that he needed to watch his mouth and have respect for a lady.

“I’M A *LASTNAME* AND I’LL CALL THAT DUMB C@#& WHATEVER I WANT!”

I didn’t say anything else to him. Some people only learn one way. I calmly punched him full force straight in the face and sent him rolling backwards in his chair. This also sent the table flying from his legs hitting it. The punk came up swinging but at that point there were plenty of people standing to hold him back. I got told that since I was the only person to throw a swing they had to kick me out for fighting. They weren’t going to call the cops but I has banned from there for life. I was fine with that.

The kids dad made a show of escorting me to the door but the whole time he was telling me how happy he was that someone did that. His boy was a spoiled brat and needed a good ass whooping but his mama wouldn’t let him do it. I held in the giggle until I was out of the building and told him “glad I could help” as he held the limo door for me.

The next morning I woke up to over a dozen messages about it, my friends hand had a paper towel and duct tape pressure dressing on it (that looked vaguely like my work) and my right foot smelled like crab legs…….  Aaaaah the joys of youth! *sigh*

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