That roughly translates to “Yep, Rya just said that”
Anyone that has grown up in a medical household knows that there is no topic that is off limits. This does include subjects that would make most people gag on a normal basis, but there is nothing too taboo for the dinner conversation in this tribe! We have gone straight from Plumber Jokes to Explosive Mucus Diarrhea without so much as a “pass the peas” to allow transition.
Now that you have the disclaimer, let’s move on to my sons eighteenth birthday. We have a tradition of playing hooky on birthdays. I didn’t go to school on the day he was born and have never made him go since. We spend the day hanging out. This year was full of hiking, toad collecting and tattoos. Sounds fun doesn’t it?! Well, it was. Except for this one part. The part where I discovered the only thing on this planet that is a bigger obnoxious a-hole than grasshoppers, is Dru and his girlfriend when they decide to mess with someone.
While we were out hiking we were supposed to be bone collecting. (I love Halloween. We decorate with real bones. That was not an innuendo for anything) It was rather difficult to keep an eye out because we were being attacked by an overabundance of crawly creatures thanks to an unseasonably moist summer. Every step was resulting in a plague of grasshoppers scattering in all directions. These dang bugs were either really stupid or really brave because half of them were launching themselves straight at us like kamikaze pilots. I am pretty sure I have bug shaped bruises from head to toe. I have never felt empathy for the grill guard of a truck before. Dru was keeping count of how many times he was ball tapped by one.
We were pretty much over the bone collecting thanks to them and had about given up when Dru spotted a teenie-weenie-tiny-wittle bumpy toad! SQUEEEEEEEE! I LOVE BABIES!!! There had been a lot of wiggle sticks in the area (aka snakes)((angry wiggle sticks are rattle snakes)) so we decided to bring this baby home. The search was on to find a second one so he wouldn’t be lonely. I was intently scanning the ground when it happened. Godzilla came flying straight at my face! Not only did he come in like a wrecking ball, he did the full superhero landing in my right nostril! *gag*
Have you ever really looked at a grasshopper? Like really looked? Pixar was right to draw them as giant armored bastards that have spikes coming out everywhere. And those dagger like needle feet! Now imagine that armored, spiky, needle-y insect INSIDE YOUR NOSE. Not only is this thing inside of you but it is panicking as it is trying to get back out. Nothing I have ever watched, read, envisioned or nightmared could prepare me for the feeling of that insect first violating my nose hole and then having no care for collateral damage as he forced his way back out.
And those little craps were laughing at me! The evil smiles were in full bloom as they then began to verbalize how much worse it could be…. Dru and his girlfriend started comparing back and forth how horrible it would have been if the thing didn’t want to leave. Just hanging out in my skull rubbing his spiny legs together. What would it feel like if it tried crawling forward to get out instead of backing out? Those little needle feet dragging it through my sinuses, past my brain, and then down the back of my throat. Not only would he be cutting my cavities apart but he would also be COVERED in nasty, old, snot. That would make it a crawling blob of mucus that is cutting its way around. Which would be worse, if it went down the lungs or if it slimed its way out the mouth?????
I had to cover my ears and yell threats of bodily harm at that point. My overactive imagination could take no more. God I love those little buttfaces.
I was describing the situation in detail to my husband (who, I might add, was also laughing) as we were waiting for it to be our turn at the tattoo place. That’s when my son interrupted
“uh mom? Do you realize someone is trying to eat right behind you?!”
“Yeah, so?” “
“It doesn’t seem like a good idea to make the tattoo artist puke right before he starts working ON US. It just might break sterile field….and I personally don’t want a vomiting colored tattoo. I hear these things are permanent”
Apparently, the poor quiet kid had just taken his first bite as I was describing the feeling of the grasshopper inside of me. My kiddo looked up as the artist gave me a sideways glance and had a full-body convulsion. The guy kept quiet and swallowed like a champ.
Fast forward 2 weeks. I have been sick as hell with sinus headaches and basic flu symptoms since that day. I was once again using too much detail to describe to my coworkers the loogie I hocked this morning. It was nasty and tried to kill me. As I was choking trying to get it out, a rock came out of the right side of my sinuses. My coworker instantly shouted
“OH GOD! WAS IT PART OF THE GRASSHOPPER?!?!?”
I had somehow managed to push Grasszilla out of my mind until that moment. I didn’t really look at the rock. I totally should have analyzed it better.
Now I have to sit here and think what kind of rock was it?
Did I snort laugh and launch a popcorn kernel up my nose?
Was it really a piece of a grasshopper?!
Am I really kicking myself for NOT dissecting a loogie rock?
Did I have a ball of dirt hanging out from riding in the razor?
Was my husband getting tired of the Great Wall of Va-China and paid me a gross sleeping visit?
The world may never know……
(yes, I totally used the word moist)