I know, I suck, I totally disappeared for a while there. My bad. The last few month have kicked my butt. All this time I have been trying to deal with, well, everything, and discovered I have not been in fact “dealing” with anything. Seeing a counselor every other month was definitely not cutting it so I got myself scheduled with the gal my brother had been seeing before he died. Her opinion on the whole situation was very insightful. It was rather nice to have someone that could see both sides of everything that had gone on.
To clarify, by insightful I mean f-ing scary. The wind of relief that blew the one door shut managed to smash open another door I worked 3 decades to keep locked, chained, nailed, and bolted shut. I was suddenly remembering things that my psyche had put a shit-load of effort into NOT remembering. To fix this she suggested EMDR Therapy.
I had never heard of it but after some quick research I was cool with trying it. It was discovered by a chic hiking and thinking about her problems. She manage to put together that the shift in eye movement while scanning the trail engaged multiple parts of her brain and she was able to process the thoughts on more than just an emotional level. By the end of her hike she was in a much better place mentally. This sounded perfect to me since I love hiking and have noticed the same effect after long trips. I just assumed it was a combination of being in nature, ditching technology and the feeling of accomplishment from climbing a mountain. Little did I know my “trail therapy” was “real therapy”. I love when I get the extra credit on an assignment before even starting it.
It was not nearly as cool as I was hoping. I didn’t even get to bring my pack. Having someone calmly tell you to remember and describe traumatic shit that they base Lifetime movies after is not nearly as fun as backpacking through the wilderness. Bawling until you are a wet mess and your head wants to explode is not as sweet as feeding squirrels on a mountain top. Now let’s imagine the cleansing light of the universe pushing all the stress out your feet. Riiiiiiiiiiight………. How about I just tuck that cobra back in its basket in my tummy, my teddy bear was getting lonely. Why the hell did I volunteer to drag up painful stuff???? I’m seriously paying someone to make me feel this way??? No wonder I need counseling…..
Then we upped it to the next level. Time to sit in a dark room with little vibrators in my hands while talking about how there are hundreds of little flashes of pain and my brain flat refused to spend more than a few seconds on each. My body was tensing up on the left side, I felt like I was floating sideways. I was dizzy and nauseous and my throat was tight and I really had to pee. My bra was soaked since I couldn’t wipe my face while holding the vibrators. It would totally be my luck to electrocute myself during a therapy session. When it got too intense I floated out of the memory and my body felt like it suddenly stood up and shut down all thought. My eyes snapped open and I’m pretty sure you could see the glowing neon sign flashing “NOPE” with a very pleasant hum keeping in time. Big surprise right there, my brain being obstinate. Like I didn’t see that coming.
If anyone has ever told you hangovers in your 30’s suck, tell them to try EMDR. I needed a nap right away. My whole body felt like it had been beat with a metal pipe (yes, I do know what that feels like) My brain hurt. I would not describe it as a headache because it felt like somewhere deep inside my left lobe was twisting. I was told to keep a close eye for “abnormal crisis behavior” and to call if anything weird happened. When I asked what specifically to watch for I was told “I have no clue. It’s your brain. If you don’t know then how can I know?” Thanks. That is very reassuring.
It’s a good thing I have an amazing husband that is willing to sacrifice his own mental health (and biological need to fix everything) that was home to take care of me. He made sure I rested, took care of kids, cleaned the bathroom, brought me food, cleaned up the water my clumsy ass spilt on the laptop (with only a chuckle and no complaint), pet my hair, cuddled with me while listening to Lord of the Rings. He is so perfect. I hit the lottery finding this man. Let’s hope he can survive this crazy mental health journey with me.
Soooo here goes the next few month of Hiking Therapy! I’ll try to keep everyone updated as it goes. If I disappear again, make sure to harass me. The writing is very beneficial.