Indiana Jones and the Temple of VaVoome!

I got to work today and apparently my cup over flow-eth with “No’s” Every question a coworker asked me, I snapped back “NO!”

Did you make coffee this morning …….NO!

Can someone wash the lobby plants today …..NO!

Can I ask you a question…..NO!

Not even a quick question……NO!!

I just want to make faxing releases easier …..NO!!!

Can you help me schedule this patient …..NO!

I was starting to laugh at myself because my instant reaction to EVERYTHING was negative. Normally I’m a much more optimistic person so I was trying to figure out where the heck this was coming from …..Coming from? …….Coming? ………HOLY CRUD BUNNIES I KNOW WHERE THE NO’S STARTED!!!!!

I was full giggling when I realized why I was acting like this. This was left over from last night! I had to share this one with the office.

We had a stressful afternoon the day before. Every single patient turned into something crazy or a depression check. By the time I left work I had a killer headache. This wasn’t just a line, I really did have a headache. When I got home I had to help my husband find his social security card that got misplaced when we moved this summer. I gave up after 2 hours and hopped in the shower. When I got out he was being super sweet, even was cool with me playing my book club book on speaker so I could dry my massive hair. (my hair is ridiculous) He snuggled up to me in the bed and started softly rubbing my back as he was falling asleep.

That’s when the “butt-rubbing” started. Oh haeeeellll no! Not tonight mister! I’m stupid tired, I have a massive headache, I’m stressed to the max. Normally I would just say wait until I’m asleep and move me to a neutral position. I don’t want to wake up with a crick in my neck. This had the girls laughing as well. They were way more worried about airway and breathing than I was. Meh, it’s similar to getting choked, you get that euphoria towards the end. Plus, He’s an EMT so I should be fine. I just don’t want to be miserable the next day. I’m a firm believer that if I go to sleep without sweat pants on then the lady-garden is open for business. You can’t leave the garden gate open and expect the bunnies to stay out. Have a good time!

But not this night. This night was going to be filled with restful sleep. I wanted there to be zero chance of a 2am Edgar Allen Poe reading “suddenly there was a rapping, of someone so gentle tapping, tapping at my chamber door…” QUOTE THE WIFEY NEVERMORE!!!!! Not only did I remove his hand from my butt. I grabbed a huge fluffy pillow and wedged it between my tush and his pelvis. Behold! The Great Wall of Vachina! Take that you crow! That’s right, I not only shot him down, I went full Trump!! I built a huge wall (with the pillows he bought) and was prepared to defend it. My NO game was solid. So solid it was still in place at work the next morning.

A few of my statements did generate some questions with the coworkers. Like, do I put on enormous granny panties and then triple layer them? We were rolling laughing now picturing me standing like a bouncer with my arms crossed and 7 pairs of underwear on, and a diaper. Let’s add a couple strips of duct tape for good measure! Granny panties, a diaper, a duct tape chastity belt, and a huge wall; if that doesn’t keep him out nothing will! Suddenly we all heard the Mission Impossible theme start playing (I love having coworkers as crazy as I am) it was followed up by Raiders of the Lost Ark, only instead of sand it was the sound of tape being pulled apart. Yeeeeeaaaah, my husband would totally take that much effort as a challenge instead of a show stopper. We could all see me waking up the next morning with the duct tape and force field in place…. But with a different color of tape. And probably a cute little thank you note, because he is sweet like that.


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